Mother's Day

This is a reprint of a previous post. The son who wrote the letter is no longer with us, actually there is no longer a we. My husband and I have been separated over a year. On this Mother's Day I take comfort in this childs words from years ago and wanted to share them once again.

When life begins spinning out of control it is important to find away to regain control, or at least the appearance of control. I may not have control over much, but I do have control over how things are stored in or home. Every now and then I rearrange my closets or drawers. This last week end it was filing. I can actually find something now. In the process of going through papers I found a letter from our son who was recently killed and I want to share it with the world.

12-13-04
I love you both so much. You have been a big influence in my life. The love you both have shown me, I can never repay. Threw all these years both of you stuck your necks out to keep me out of trouble. To teach me that school isn’t that tough and to love. Why, only God knows, but I want the two of you to know even though the whole time that I thought you were being mean. I truly love the pain and heart ache you put me through to make me the man I am today. I grow each day. I know that I’m one of the luckiest people in the world to have a loving family as I do. So this card is just a small token of my undying love you both know I have for you. God Bless.
Your son,

How many parents get the chance to hear something like that from their child?

I'm Back

As we approach the new year it's hard not to reflect back on the events of this year. 2006 was a mixture of extreme sadness to total joy. It has been difficult to start posting again but the time is now right. A lot has happened since my last post; too much to try to catch up with all at once. Let's just say we are thankful to still be here...and sane, 4 chicks hatched out Tuesday and today (Sat.) she had them out and about. I have built a make shift chicken coop on the slab that had been used to stack cedar planks. It isn't much but it keeps them safe and dry and being on concrete it's easy to clean. The crocus and jonquils have poked their little heads out of the ground.

The last few months would not have been as tolerable without the love and support of friends, neighbors, and family. Without their love and support, I don't know if I'd have come through this life changing event with my sanity in tact. To all I offer my heart felt thanks and wish for you the blessings you truly deserve for your unselfish acts. Thank-you.

Found - a precious letter

When life begins spinning out of control it is important to find away to regain control, or at least the appearance of control. I may not have control over much, but I do have control over how things are stored in or home. Every now and then I rearrange my closets or drawers. This last week end it was filing. I can actually find something now. In the process of going through papers I found a letter from our son who was recently killed and I want to share it with the world.

12-13-04
I love you both so much. You have been a big influence in my life. The love you both have shown me, I can never repay. Threw all these years both of you stuck your necks out to keep me out of trouble. To teach me that school isn’t that tough and to love. Why, only God knows, but I want the two of you to know even though the whole time that I thought you were being mean. I truly love the pain and heart ache you put me through to make me the man I am today. I grow each day. I know that I’m one of the luckiest people in the world to have a loving family as I do. So this card is just a small token of my undying love you both know I have for you. God Bless.
Your son,

How many parents get the chance to hear something like that from their child?

The Loss of a Child

Two weeks ago today our lives took a dramatic turn when our middle son was killed in a stupid auto accident. Sorry for the anger but it was his own fault. The good news is his younger brother walked away with only cuts and bruises.
He had been my step-son since he was four and the only one who lived with us during the school year. Since I was never able to have children of my own, he was my only child in school. It was six years ago and only one semester but I’ll bet the principal still remembers me. I am big on learning; I live in a travel trailer and collect encyclopedias. Yes, I’m nuts. But in a good way. I have only known two people who could take me to anger and this child was one of them. (1st husband was the other). But as the years went by and after living together in such close quarters with his dad in the shape he’s in, we really bonded. We reached a point were we respected each other. The last conversation I had with him he had called to ask for my advice. When ever he got stressed out he would call me for help in getting things back into perspective. How cool is that. A 23 year old asking his step-mom for advice. He did scold me for not telling him our dog of 12 ½ years had to be put down, but didn’t scold me about not telling him his dad was hospitalized for two days and now has high blood pressure. As far as I can tell he was on good terms with everyone in his life; had all his ducks in a row. Since we all have to go, he went at a great time for him. He was becoming such a wonderful man that it’s sad we won’t get to see were he could have gone.
I could write for days about this child, but for now I just wanted to get something out there.

Turning 50 and Freaking Out

I am about to turn 50 in a couple of days and although I’m OK with this, I find myself thinking about it a lot. I have never really been aware of my age or my aging. Perhaps because I didn’t have children and therefore had no one around constantly changing and showing the passage of time. But something about the number 50 is different. That’s a big number. In my mind I can still do so many things that I really can’t do anymore. I was given an old bicycle this week and in my mind it wouldn’t be a piece of cake but it would be possible for me to ride to the post office and back. There is no way this could really happen without a stroke or heart attack at the end, but in my mind… .
I guess it’s natural to reflect on life at milestones such as this and I have been doing just that.
A few days later:
My cousin came to visit; she turns 50 in about 6 weeks. She informed me the pink tomato festival in Bradley County Arkansas is 50 this year. The first day they were here, her husband put down our big dog Humphrey. I had an appointment with the vet for the next day, but a man with a bobcat came by and dug a hole for me, so her husband was kind enough to put Hump out of his misery. His absence sure has changed the dynamic of the place. Seems we weren’t the only ones stressed out by him. The pup and the chickens are getting along much better now. Katie had decided she wanted to be the Alpha dog so maybe all the chicken chasing was just showing off to secure her place. Anyway, Hump is gone but he sure had a good life while he was here. We spent the second day in Hot Springs and boy, did we have a good time. Went to El Chico’s and that was the first time I had been in a restaurant to sit and eat IN THIS CENTURY. Wow, that was such a big deal. My Mother passed in January of 1990. The only thing she asked is that we occasionally visit her grave and play George Strait music. It would have been her 79th birthday so we went by the cemetery and played George Strait. In fact, the only music we listened to all day was George Strait. Happy Birthday Maw, we sure do miss you. Later that evening cousin, me, and her husband set outside and watched fireworks from a neighbor a ways away. It was a great show for a Saturday night in Pencil Bluff. When they left on Sunday they took one of the hens and 3 chicks. I had 5 chicks for them but 2 bolted and ran when I was loading them for transport. Hope they do OK; I made them put the chickens in the back seat so they could have air conditioner.
The other day at the free yard sale I got a bicycle. It’s small and just right for hills but the bearings gave out. One of my neighbors heard about my excitement over the bike and brought me a really good girls bike, much more my size. Got a lot of cards and a call from my brother. I still haven’t heard from my Dad. My brother called so late I had given up on him. He didn’t stay on long but at least he thought of me. After all, I am his only sibling. Dad is just Dad, eventually he will remember. He is a sweet guy but very private and was never much a part of our lives. That’s the way it was for fathers of his generation. Still I must confess it hurts that he didn’t remember his baby girls birthday, especially such a big one.

Chicken update

The chicken flock is growing, 6 teenagers and 27 this last week. Still have about 12 left to hatch. The hens have been so insistent about sitting that I gave in and now everyone is hatching a few. Should have a flock of around 50 when all is said and done. So far though, total survival.
A few days later: lost a few chicks but ended up with 34. I now have the original hen and rooster, their 7 (2 roosters and 5 hens), 6 teenagers from March (4 roosters and 2 hens), and now the new chicks. Total flock of 49. It is really going to be cool watching them run around, but I promise myself I will keep the eggs gathered this time. Enough chickens for this year.